I'm thinking about how things end and begin, and it seems like there have been a lot of endings lately, but not a lot of endings, in the sense that things are literally over and done with. It's like the conclusion, except the text keeps going. But, maybe that's just what life actually is. A series of conclusions, strung together, until one day it's all over.
These last two days I've been taking naps in the evenings. It's irresistible, but not in an attractive sense. And I have no physical reason to be so tired. It's just mental--stress, I guess. Hope, and sadness. As for the hope, that is accounted for by my recent interview. I should know soon, whether they like me enough to invite me for a second. As for the sadness, that is accounted for by two things--the loss of a friendship, and the loss of my coworker. My friendship--meaning my relationship with my roommate and long-time best friend, H, is not a new disaster but a slowly smoldering pyre, and is at this point reduced to ashes, though my eyes are still stinging from the smoke. My coworker, who I got hired, was fired, and apparently I am also the reason she was fired, since she was lowering my productivity. Well, it is news to me that my productivity has been lowered. I'm feeling that loss very acutely at the moment. It's another loss to add to the growing tally, another thing to mourn, another thing to write long pages about.
And again, I look outside my window and watch the sunset fade. I watch the cars like ants in a shimmery, shaky line. Just days ago I was feeling great--better than ever, perhaps. Today, I'm just wishing I was an ant, content to just follow, follow, follow.