Yesterday evening, I got an unexpected phone call, from someone who was supposed to have called me about two months ago. Strange enough. But just two hours prior, on a call with my parents, they asked me about this same person, and whether I had heard from him yet or not. Is that serendipity, or coincidence?
Anyway, to give a broad overview--several months ago I was investigating an opportunity in Chicago quite seriously. But, my desires shifted with respect to the job, and so the job offered was not what I wanted. At that time, this person said they would work on it and get back to me (to see if they could offer the job I wanted). Two months went by since I heard from them, and in that time I've become very comfortable and accepting of the idea of just sticking around New York for the foreseeable future. I have this feeling of not being "done" with New York, and needing to be here a little longer. And of course, very soon after getting comfortable with this idea, I get a phone call that upends everything. Long story short, the job I wanted is now available, in Chicago.
Last night, as I lay in bed thinking, I kept coming back to the idea of listening to one's heart. That it's not so simple as just saying "listen to your heart". I kept thinking, "how can I listen to my heart?". And I don't even know if that is a question that can or should be answered... I'm doubtful that I could come up with the answer at all, much less in the timeframe of making this decision. I feel like there is a divide between my actions and my desires--as I find myself fantasizing about other jobs, other places, spending a few hours looking for jobs in Santa Fe, as if by some miracle I would find a happy, satisfying life there. Then after searching for those jobs, or looking at the map of San Francisco for the 50th time in the last month, I proceed to act to the rest of the world as though my every intention is to keep the status quo.
While I don't necessarily feel that aligning one's actions with one's "desires", or instincts, or gut feelings, is always a good way to operate, I do feel it's at least important to notice when the two are not aligned. And this is, in some ways, one of those times.